Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
