That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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