Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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