I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
