I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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