I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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