I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
