Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Randomize
