You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
