I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
