This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
