I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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