He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
