i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
