my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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