just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
