history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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