Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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