My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
