I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
