Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
