I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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