Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
