Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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