wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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