Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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