Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
