Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
