I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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