Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My ass is underappreciated
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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