dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
