Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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