I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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