Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
