so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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