Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
