do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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