Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
