I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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