Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
