my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
