Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
