I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
