it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
