Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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