I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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