You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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