He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.