I think about you every night.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure