I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always time for handjobs
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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