I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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