and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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