I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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