I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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