My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
