Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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