Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
