I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
