Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
