my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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