i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
